Dementia through my eyes
Dementia would have to be one of hardest things for you to watch a loved one go through. Both our parents have been slowly slipping away from us over the last seven years or so. It starts out with forgetting things, these can be every day actions that they have done day in day out for years, then all of a sudden they become very challenging to complete or remember. Mum started to go back in time, thinking her children where all quite small, setting the table for seven again, going outside and calling them for dinner even walking down the street looking for them and not understanding why they where not coming. Poor Dad didn’t know what to do to help Mum, it didn’t make any difference how many times you told her they were all grown up, because in her mind they were all still little children.
I remember one night after Mum and Dad had moved into the Donovan units, Mum rang me asking if I had seen Gordon as he had left to go over to Roleystone and had not returned yet and it was dark and you know what those roads are like over that way, but in the background I can hear Dad saying he was there and it was fine. When I asked Mum she said, “Not that Gordon the other one”. I decided to drive down to see them. When I arrived both Mum and Dad were sitting in the lounge watching TV. Mum was quite upset that Dad was not there and this other Gordon was here. I tried to convince her it was Dad but she was not having any of it. We sat and watched TV for a while then all of a sudden it was just like a lightswitch was flicked, Mum turns to Dad and asks, “Where the hell have you been?” Well in Mum’s mind Dad had just arrived back just like that, yet he had been there the whole time. We all starting trying to do dinners for Mum and Dad so they where at least eating ok as at this stage cooking was not something Mum cound do any more, she seemed to be forgetting things, burning food or not even cooking it properly. At this stage we believed Dad was slipping into depression as well with everything he was going through with Mum.
Mum went into high care in Donovan nursing home and Dad stayed in the unit, but spent all the day at the nursing home with mum, eventually even having meals there. At this stage Dad still had his car and driver’s licence until one night the nursing home called Judy and said Dad had not been back in for dinner, so we all went into a mad panic when Judy rang from her holiday in Bali to give us the news. We all drove around for quite a few hours, with no luck, then Graham and I went to the Midland police station to report him missing. Luckily he returned back to the nursing home but with a damaged car. We decided there that Dad and a car was not a good idea, he had no recollection where he had the accident only that he was side-swiped in Perth near the train station. When asked what he was doing there he said he went to get some new shoes for Mum. It turned out he didn’t give way at a roundabout over near Curtain University.
Not long after this Dad agreed it was time to move into high care with Mum, but the Dementia never gives up, Mum continued to slip further away and she also had failing eyesight. This never stopped them from trying to pack up and escape through the coded doors a few times, somehow Dad got the code for the door, or waited until someone else went out and they would slip out behind them. At one stage they got out and all the way back to their old Donavan unit.
Over the next few years they both continued to slip away, Dad also started to recall his earlier working life over and over, but was unable to tell me what he had for breakfast getting to the point of not really having any conversation. At this stage Mum had very little ability to do anything at all, she would hardly even utter a word, every now and then you may get a little bit of a cheeky grin from her but that was about it.
On the 27th March 2022 Mum was infected with covid, a few days later so was Dad. Mum went off her food totally and drank very little over the next 10 days. Both seemed to get over the covid but it had taken its toll on Mum’s now frail body, early on Monday morning, 11th April 2022, Mum passed away peacefully in her sleep .
Judy and I went to the nursing home around 7am to see Mum and break the news to Dad. Being they were still in a Covid lockdown meant we had to gear up with full PPE to be allowed in. First we went to see Mum, she looked very peacefull just like she was still sleeping, but this was not the case Mum was gone. Judy went to get Dad from his room, Dad said to Judy, “I need to find my wife.” At first Dad thought Mum was asleep, Judy said, “No Dad, Mum has passed away.” He just stared at her then said, “She’s not breathing.” Again Judy said, “Mum had passed away”. He felt Mum’s head and said, “She’s cold”, Judy again said Mum had passed away, after this was repeated a few times Dad got up and walked back to his room. Judy helped him, he sat down in his rocking chair. This was very hard on us both trying to console Dad when dressed in all this Covid protection gear.
I believe Dad was in shock at this stage, but with Dad’s short term memory loss being so bad it is really hard to know how Dad was feeling at this time, I feel surely deep in his heart he knew something was missing and gone, how can you not after being married for 71 years 3 months and 22 days. I sure as hell knew that Mum, the person who had given birth to me, raised me to be the person I am today, had left a huge hole in my heart. I will love you always Mum.
Dementia through my eyes knows no boundaries, leaving everyone in its path heartbroken and emotionally shattered, but for Dad it may be a lot less painful not really knowing, well that’s what I hope.
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